Sometimes certain individuals are unable to face the grief of losing someone they have cared for and relied upon, so much so, that their souls cannot rest after the individual’s death.. Survivors who suffer this trauma usually focus upon something that can distract them. The distracter is usually anger. Anger is an emotion that is common in grief, but in certain cases, the survivors cannot accept that they are angry at the decedent, so they project their anger toward something or someone else.
In such a case, a survivor may redirect his/her anger toward one of the services necessary to accomplish burial services. They may focus their anger toward someone that is weak within the circle of acquaintances, or even upon something or someone completely unrelated to the decedent or their death. A survivor does this so that he/she does not have to face or experience the pain of losing the decedent. Eventually, the survivor should redirect his/her anger back to what has happened to him/her and at that time, will need incredible love and support.
There are occasions, however, where the survivor does not redirect his/her anger. This is a tragedy in and of itself. Unfortunately if a survivor cannot resolve his/her anger, it begins to manifest itself in health issues, both physically and psychologically. Quite often, the survivor suffering this condition needs help transitioning into grief, or he/she will find his/her health speedily declining. The survivor may be masking his/her grief anger because he/she is angry that he/she no longer has the comfort of the deceased to call upon when he/she feels alone or vulnerable. It may be that he/she is angry at himself/herself for not resolving issues with the decedent before the death occurred. There are any number of issues the survivor might be dealing with psychologically.
It is also possible that the survivor might turn his/her anger toward someone else once he/she exhausts their anger toward the current recipient. I would hope before that happens, he/she would realize that they need to face their grief and mourn the decedent before things escalate beyond his/her ability to cope. At such a point, the survivor is in danger of self-loathing. Self-loathing can bring into question one’s ability to survive. The survivor may feel as though the decedent is not a rest. In reality, it is the survivor who is not at rest. The survivor has to resolve his or her grief before he/she will ever feel peace and before he/she will ever feel that their loved one is at peace.
As a woman who believes in Deity, I feel certain that the decedent tries to comfort the survivors and bring them peace from beyond the veil. Understanding that the decedent loved his/her family before death and that he/she knew the weaknesses, strengths and personalities of the survivors, it seems logical to me that they would continue to have a vested interest in the well-being of those they loved while living. Just as our love continues for the decedent after they have died, surely their love continues for us as well.
The constant companionship and knowledge of Christ’s love is very comforting in our wretched lives of pain and sorrow. It is a gift far greater than wealth. Sometimes circumstances are instantly better if one will simply rely upon the mission of the Savior. If you are suffering intense anger after suffering the death of a loved one and feel that you have been unable to move forward in your recovery, please take a moment and reflect upon your situation. Perhaps realizing that anger serves no one, especially yourself, may help you begin your recovery. If you are a person who believes in Deity, perhaps a chat with your clergyman might be a step toward recovery. Whatever your needs are, I pray you can find solutions and that you can move beyond anger and toward recovery.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director at Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.